Contemplating Romantic Freedom

“What is your dream date?”

I always love those questions on surveys and “about me” sections in spring magazines. Yes, spring is here and love is in the air. Couples sashay across campus, holding hands and looking adorable, at least to the eyes of singles. It is those singles who read said magazines and laugh at the ridiculous questionnaires and advice columns on every other page. Because *dramatic eye roll* obviously it’s so revealing how I want to spend my time getting to know someone. Oh No! Spoilers!

Right.

When I was little, I thought dream dates were silly, because in my head I considered myself lucky to be going on a date at all. I was so concerned with the idea of being liked and sought after that I never grasped the point of dating – getting to know someone as a potential partner.

Like, Ew, right? Who needs boys? I sure don’t. I don’t need someone else. I can make it on my own. I’m a strong and independent young woman! That was what I told myself ages 12 through 20. This is quite possibly why I wound up breaking up with all my exes. Why I still break up with them.

Yes, I am that girl. The girl who gets into relationships, falls into them really, and has no reason to. The girl who always winds up breaking it off because falling means getting back up again with someone else, and I, supposedly, do not need someone else in my life. I can make it on my own.

And yet, I wonder. I wonder as I see schoolmates from home getting engaged. Or married. Or having kids. I wonder as I see my best friends falling in love and being so scared of putting their heart on the line, but knowing that in the end, it’s worth it. I wonder as I remember falling once, but in the end I got up on my own. My heart wasn’t worth it.

There’s a saying that once you stop looking for someone, they find you. I’ve never really been looking, but someone has always found me. Someone decides that I’m their someone. I’m their something to fix. I’m this thing that they have a right to inspect, to poke and prod and ask why without really listening to my answer.

So if I’ve been through all this before, if I know the routine, why do I let it happen? It’s kinda funny, see, after every break up, I say, “No more men. That’s it. I need a 6 month break. At least.” I’m not the only one, because, trust me, I’ve heard this from many other women on campus – there’s a constant push to find “The One” but retain the independence other women have struggled to gain for the next generation. And yet, despite all this, maybe a month after a breakup, there’s someone new. Someone to flirt with, someone to talk to, someone to look forward to seeing in the hallway. I don’t ask for attention. I don’t ask to be “courted.” It just kinda…happens.

The point of this is not to brag. This is just a thing that has been bugging me lately. It’s a thing that, frankly, I’m tired of and should stop letting myself get into. Maybe if I stop being so passive about how I feel, or don’t feel, I won’t find myself chasing after a wispy hope of redemption in the eyes of another. Maybe if I didn’t rely on this wispy hope of romanticized guessing games resulting in “perfect date” potential, I could actually be happy with my unromantic life choices.

Side Note: And in case you’re curious, that perfect date would involve a combination of museum, book store, food, and cuddling while enjoying a movie/TV show.

Outrunning Your Stress

It starts with a twinge. Just a little twinge. And then a nip. Just a little nip that turns into a nibble. This nibble starts you moving, your meandering pace turning into a quick trot. You catch a glimpse of your pursuer in your peripheral vision. A shadow no longer biting at your heels but matching your hurried walk with ease. You pick up the pace and gain a few yards. Looking back, you can see that the shadow has turned into a substantive form and is now loping in your wake, strengthened by your anxiety. You break into a sprint, trying to shake the growling beast that is determined to bring you down. Fear grips you, things claw at you as you speed past, shredding every last bit of confidence while unidentifiable objects pull down your spirit. You aren’t going to last much longer. The beast is breathing goosebumps onto your neck and there is nowhere to hide, no place to go but forward. Always forward.

We all know this beast. Some of us more than others. But by the time we get out of high school we’ve dealt with it a few times and probably had a few close calls. This fiend that pursues us even in the most pleasurable of pursuits is stress.

And in a college student’s life, there’s a lot of it. From course work to jobs to sports to clubs to personal relationships, stress is part of the daily routine. There’s a difference, though, between being stressed in a healthy way, and having stress take over your life. The line between the two becomes increasingly hard to maintain, and as I look around me at freshmen wrapping up their first year of college, sophomores sorting out majors and minors, juniors searching for internships, and seniors getting ready to graduate, I see that line erase completely.

Why does this all matter you might ask? Well, besides the almost universal change-in-attitude-affect, people can also have physical side affects from stress. When I switched from homeschooling to a public high school, my stress level increased dramatically and I thought I was handling it pretty well…until my immune system rebelled against me and I developed a mild form of atopic dermatitis and alopecia. So not fun. But eventually I got a handle on it. I changed some of my routines and learned how to manage my stress levels. And I’m still learning, since college is a completely different environment from high school.

If you’re reading this and getting freaked out because a) you’re in high school,  b) you’re in college and you aren’t stressed or c) you’re a parent of a current or future college student, don’t be! (You’re probably snorting in disbelief right now, I mean, what was that first paragraph for, right?) I’m serious. When I was in high school I was told “College is so much easier,” and “If you’re succeeding under pressure now, you’ll be fine in college,” and I didn’t believe it. How could college be any easier and how could the stress lessen in any way?

I don’t have an exact answer, but it does. Maybe it has to do with your age, maybe there’s a mental advancement in compartmentalizing, or maybe you just know yourself better. No matter how, and no matter why, stress in the life of a college student is always present, but it’s always manageable.

In case you don’t believe me, and that beast is breathing down your neck, here are some tips to avoid or deal with stress while at Loyola:

  1. Breathe. Whether it’s meditation or just closing your eyes and inhaling slowly, it’s always good to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
  2. Make a plan. Instead of blundering ahead blindly and hoping your luck will hold out, write down what you want to do and when you want to complete it. Setting goals makes the process more rewarding and easier to handle.
  3. Sleep. Chances are if you’re super stressed, you’re not getting enough sleep. I’m a big believer in the 10 minute power naps that pick me up at 1am. You’ll get through those 20+ pages of reading faster and write that paper better if you have a little sleep under your belt.
  4. Talk to someone (or several someones). Venting about stress is a good way to relieve it. Find someone who doesn’t mind you freaking out for 15 minutes so you can get it out of your system. Hopefully they can do the same with you!
  5. Allow for some “Me” time. Take a walk. Do something creative (it uses a different part of your brain from analytical thought). Sing in the shower. Being on your own can really clear your head and shake that feeling of being pursued by constant anxiety.